Books on dating a divorced mom
Kids MIGHT trump our plans, but I am always willing to talk about it.And I am perfectly capable to make decisions based on a request and a crisis at the moment.There are plenty of single parents who use their kids to get out of almost every obligation. exercise, dating, taking responsibility for their own actions.And I have been the dad who apologized for checking his phone when a text dinged while on a date.My goal then is to keep all requests out of crisis-mode.And keep all boundary discussions about us and not the kids.As a single dad, I am just now entering a new dating relationship with a woman who does not have kids. We have already had moments of “oh shit, your kids are there, I’m sorry…” and “don’t worry about the kids, they are in their rooms studying.” If I try to imagine her point of view I’d be projecting, so I’ll stick with mine.As a single dad, I do understand that my kids are a priority. But kids can be used as an unhealthy defense mechanism as well.
(Wait to meet them until you are sure the relationship is built to last.) Be prepared for the fact that you might be chopped liver for a while, and that it’s not up to the kids to build the connection — it’s up to you.
Everyone’s agenda and desires take a backseat to the first aid and trauma response. But if you’re avoiding the confrontation because “his kids need him all the time.” That might be the issue right there. When used in a relationship the “excuse” is often used to recover from a miss of some sort. The kids got home and all hell broke loose.” That might be okay if your call was just a “nighty night” check-in, but if you were scheduled to talk about living arrangements, that might be an example of using the kids as an excuse for not taking responsibility. As I move into a relationship with another woman I know that too will become a priority.
(“Your daughter has fallen on the playground and needs to see a doctor.”) And beware that many requests can be set up like a crisis, (“Dad, I need my science binder by 3rd period tomorrow, I left it at your house.”) when they are actually poorly formed requests. Whatever the situation, the Mom is incommunicado, a problem that might need to be addressed at a different time, and a solution needs to be provided. I’ve never really gotten past the dating phase, so I personally haven’t had to cross this bridge.
If I determine that the issue is a crisis that requires a response, I will apologize, explain the situation briefly, and respond with a text or phone call.
From that point on, you should treat it like an unexpected emergency.